HaplessLad

This is what happens when the cats see me with the Xbox controller..

This is what happens when the cats see me with the Xbox controller..

We ALL float, Billy..

We ALL float, Billy..

I have no idea if this is or isn’t authentic, or is or isn’t meat.. #quotationmarksarentforemphasis

I have no idea if this is or isn’t authentic, or is or isn’t meat.. #quotationmarksarentforemphasis

So this tiny little microscopic guy was waiting on the broom for me. #brickforscale

So this tiny little microscopic guy was waiting on the broom for me. #brickforscale

So I see this guy with a dog in a papoose. I ask “Oh no! Did he hurt her paw?” “No.” he says, “She’s just old.” And then I tried not to cry at work. Freaking feels, man.

So I see this guy with a dog in a papoose. I ask “Oh no! Did he hurt her paw?” “No.” he says, “She’s just old.” And then I tried not to cry at work. Freaking feels, man.

Handle this snake as you would your car?

Handle this snake as you would your car?

Man, I should really check out the volatge on my stuff!

Man, I should really check out the volatge on my stuff!

A Conversation About Football. OR Dan is the Most Boring Man To Prank Call, Ever.

  • The following is at the end of a long shift, and I unintentionally delivered this entire conversation in a bored, deadpan tone.
  • Dan: Good afternoon, this is sports.
  • Troll: ...
  • Dan: Hello?
  • Troll: Is this sports?
  • Dan: Yes.
  • Dan: ...
  • Troll: You guys have Wilson footballs. (Said like a statement)
  • Dan: Yes.
  • Dan: ...
  • Troll: What can you tell me about the football?
  • Dan: We have a few. Which one do you want to know about?
  • Troll: ...
  • Troll: I have the product number, would that help?
  • Dan: Yes, actually. (These are like phone numbers)
  • Troll: Okay. Eighteen (pause) thousand, four-
  • Dan: Stop. Say again, this time as single numbers.
  • Troll: ...
  • Troll: Sorry?
  • Dan: Single numbers. One at a time.
  • Troll: (At a clip too quick to understand) One Eight Seven Three Fo-
  • Dan: Stop. Say again, this time slow enough to understand.
  • Troll: ...
  • Troll: Sorry?
  • Dan: You're saying the numbers too quickly.
  • Troll: ...
  • Troll: (Gives number, properly)
  • Dan: Okay. (looks up product on computer)
  • Dan: ...
  • Dan: Is there something that you would like to know about this football?
  • Troll: You have the football?
  • Dan: I have the football's product number.
  • Dan: ...
  • Troll: Can you get the football?
  • Dan: Yes, but you'll have to wait a couple of minutes while I get it.
  • (I don't know how to put the phone on hold. It rests on the desk, open, while nearby children fight with hockey sticks. I don't stop them.)
  • Dan: (returns with football) Alright, I've got the football here.
  • Troll: It says that it's got [I forget] stuffing. What does that mean?
  • Dan: I honestly don't know. I'm assuming that it's the style of stuffing that they use.
  • Troll: Is it like memory foam, like a mattress?
  • Dan: Again, I honestly have no idea. You could Google it, if you're curious.
  • Troll: It has [some kind of coating], what does that mean?
  • Dan: I think that it just means that the outside looks pebbled, that's all.
  • Troll: Now, these are "official CFL replica" balls, so these are the balls that professionals play with?
  • Dan: I'm pretty certain that professional athletes play with way higher quality goods than we carry. But, these are replicas of those.
  • Troll: ...
  • Troll: The other ball is "premium", so only good players use those? Like worse players can't?
  • Dan: Anyone that has one of these footballs can use it.
  • Troll: Are customers able to try out the ball in the store?
  • Dan: You could see how it feels, and how heavy it is, but you obviously couldn't toss it around the store or anything, no.
  • Troll: And you have the football there?
  • Dan: Yes.
  • Troll: Okay, now be careful with it, it's fragile.
  • Dan: ...It's a football.
  • Troll: Oh, just the way you were talking about it, it sounded fragile.
  • Dan: (eyes phone) Sure. What do you want to know?
  • Troll: How does it feel?
  • Dan: ...Like a football.
  • Troll: Would you say that it's smooth?
  • Dan: ...Sure.
  • Troll: Would you say that it's silky smooth?
  • Dan: (eyes phone again)
  • Dan: (hangs up)
Cat litter. For cats that have been stuck in a mountain hotel for far too long.

Cat litter. For cats that have been stuck in a mountain hotel for far too long.

Maybe *don’t* turn in equipment like this and not tell anybody!?

Maybe *don’t* turn in equipment like this and not tell anybody!?